A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again? So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then what?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

Why I Fired My Secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said "Good morning", let alone "Happy birthday."

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning, boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday; let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went for lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private booth. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.. we don't need to bo back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "let's go to my apartment"

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment and I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing, "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

on the couch....

naked...

So a cowboy gets caught by the indians, and they're going to kill him, but they're going to give him one request each day for the last threedays of his life.

On the first day, the cowboy says he wants to talk to his horse. So, the indians let him talk to his horse. The horse leaves and comes back about an hour later with a beautiful woman on his back, who proceeds to go into the cowboy's tent.

On the second day, the cowboy again wants to talk to his horse. Again, the horse comes back with ANOTHER beautiful woman, who again goes into the cowboy's tent.

Finally on the third day, the indians grant the cowboy his final request. Again, he asks to speak to his horse. The indians bring the horse to the cowboy. The cowboy walks over to the horse, grabs him by one ear and says "Listen to me ... POSSE!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

Bartender: "Hey, you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?"

Pirate: "Arrrr it's driving me nuts!"